I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
