so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize