Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize