how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
