I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
