1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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