I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
