Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
