I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
