Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
