I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
