I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
