don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We need a shit load of segways right now
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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