pop tarts are not kleenex
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
