the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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