just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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