Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
