Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
