I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
