The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
