my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
