i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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