I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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