Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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