I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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