Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
