I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
