Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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