talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
