why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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