Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
