I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize