I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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