I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
