I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
