I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
