Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
