i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
