she woke up with a sticky ear
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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