Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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