Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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