I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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