I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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