Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
