I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize