census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
