my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
