Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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