I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You ruined the universe
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize