Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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