im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
