on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
