Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
