Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just want nice things and good sex
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
