I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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