i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
