I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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