i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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