I think i sorta joined a cult last night
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
That was before I lit my hair on fire
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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